If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
