Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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