If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
