If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I believe in your delicious
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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