if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
pray to the hookup gods
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
