I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
