Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
