It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
