She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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