Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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