I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
