They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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