I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
