How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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