The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My vagina is officially offended.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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