Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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