I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
