I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
