Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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