My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
