The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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