Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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