woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
