Im at strip club and am horny
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
