It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
