you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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