Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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