my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
