i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
