I just saw a hot homeless man
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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