dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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