dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
