For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
