listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
