I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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