Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
