Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
