I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
