ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
