When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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