i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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