My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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