ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
