Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
