Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Randomize
