Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
