An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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