Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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