Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
