i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
