its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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