the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
